Maybe it's just me but maybe it isn't.
I effing hate this. But I ALSO effing love this!
I want to go back to work but who really WANTS to work if they don't have to?
I feel so lucky to have this option but it's not all sunshine and butterflies by any means.
I LOVE being with my kids but my time without them is glorious.
The big one: I know that I am worthy even though I am no longer working but the indicators of my worth are so much more subtle and harder to find. I do still have worth right?
For context, I was working as an administrator in education. I worked in an underserved area with mostly students from low-income families. I also worked with students with special needs. I trained the teachers and leaders working with these students every day. There were obvious indicators of worth in every success of every student, teacher, and leader in my programs. There was also a large indicator of worth in the paycheck that I received that was quite high for the education world.
Then we moved in the middle of the pandemic. The education world was a mess.
We moved to an affluent neighborhood in a different state within a great school district.
I had a 1-year-old.
I then become a stay-at-home parent as it is the best option for my family.
Fast forward to now; 2 years later and another baby. Who am I? What am I doing? Am I doing it well? How do I know? Should I keep doing it? Should I do something different? Should I do something from home? Should I work outside the house? Should I do it full-time or part-time? What will that mean for my kids? Is that good for them? Is it good for my husband? Is it good for me? What will it mean right now? What will it mean over time?
I'm glad I can even articulate all of this confusion but it is VERY confusing and disorienting, especially for someone who is quite "type-A", has a strong work ethic, is highly educated, and was successful in my career. I know there are great things to come and I trust that it will all work itself out but MAN, being a stay-at-home parent feels very different than I thought it would. Or maybe it feels exactly like I thought it would but it's still really hard to be in this transitional space. Who knows?
Maybe it's just me but maybe it isn't. If it's also you, tell me about it in the comments!